Every year is different.

I think I misunderstood.  I guess I thought that each year as "time continued to pass" that I would do better emotionally on this day.  The past couple of years I have had an easier time coping and taken this as a sign that it must be true.  "I've come so far in my healing" I told myself and felt comforted by the thoughts of next year being even better.  Then about a week before their birthdays it started.  The flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety etc. etc.  The memory of that day and the thoughts of my boys are always with me, not as far from the surface as one might think. Just like this quote there are times when the pain flares to life and it is overwhelming.  I started trying all my "positive self talk" routines and different things to help my mind focus on other things, it wasn't working.  "Oh no I am taking a step backwards, what is wrong with me I have been doing so good the last couple of years" I scolded myself.  Angry that I wasn't coping and why couldn't I get my peace back.  The only thing that seemed to help was just trying to stay so busy and run so hard that I kept distracted from it.  It would at least provide temporary relief but at the same time would exhaust me trying to "run" from something that I can't hide from.  Finally the night before their birthday, exhausted, I gave myself permission.  Permission to be okay with where I am.  To acknowledge that it isn't a thing of every year better until I eventually overcome it.  I won't ever overcome this, that's just the way it is.  

Some years are going to be hard and others easier, some days will be harder that is just the way it is.  I love Ethan and Dylan more than anything and it is that love and longing that makes me keenly aware that a part of me is missing.  The boys would be nine this year.  The day was incredibly difficult for me, one of those "barely keeping my head above water" days.  A few days later it slowly started to get better.  They are so precious to me.  I miss them in a way I can't even put into words.  Happy Birthday my babies, I love you.

Mommy