He knows the deepest desires of my heart. Of this I have no doubt. It was not a secret to anyone that Deke and I wanted more children. However I hadn't breathed a word to anyone other than Deke of course that we were going to start trying again. I of course was trying to prepare myself for a long haul. It took two years to get pregnant with Emma and a couple of super early miscarriages before we finally got pregnant with her and everything was okay. It was such an emotional rollercoaster, one that I can't forget and was very distinct in my mind as I felt that prompting of another little spirit needing to come to our home. When I knew it was time to get pregnant with Emma I had the strongest promptings in my life to have a baby, I felt her spirit near me often and had an experience that was so sacred to me that I couldn't deny that a child was there waiting to come to earth. I realize now that Heavenly Father gave them these feelings and experiences so strong so that I wouldn't give up through all the bumps. Just after the second miscarriage I had my experience and it was so powerful that I knew no matter what I couldn't give up until I brought this little spirit to the earth. Six months later we got pregnant with Emma. It was a very trying experience and I worried and tried to prepare myself for another long up and down this time. Tried to toughen myself to the possibility of another miscarriage and told myself to be prepared for a long wait. So after much prayer and a calm quiet confirmation of my feelings Deke and I decided to not even really start "trying" but just to not prevent. This was in February. A few weeks later I headed out to San Fransisco to see my sisters for my 30th. The whole time I was there I couldn't believe how much I was dragging with energy and joked about my obviously aging thirty year old body. :) Yet I couldn't help but think this was more than normal daily tired this was exhaustion and I quietly for a moment wondered and then laughed at myself and thought about it no more. Until.....I got on the airplane to come home. Sitting on the plane my body and head ached and I struggled to keep my eyes open with an exhaustion feeling that I fought to acknowledge as familiar to me. A quiet questioning came back to my mind and I wondered. Deke and the kids picked me up from the airport and even Deke could tell I was not quite up to par. "You feeling okay babe?" he asked me as I quietly asked him to stop by the store on the way home and get a test. Deke looked at me surprised. There is no way I already could be but man I feel so tired it is kind of weird. So five minutes from home I ran inside the store and grabbed a test familiar to me now many times in my life. I literally walked into the house and put down my bags and headed for the bathroom. As I waited the allotted time Deke and I talked about my trip and laughed and got the kids settled in for dinner. We were honestly so laid back and assured of ourselves that we even went over the time before we realized it was time to go and check. With the kids totally unaware and eating we headed back to our room to check already both sure of ourselves and completely calm. All I can say is that as we both walked in and looked down at the test we both stood there staring down at it for about two minutes straight without saying a word. Shock. That is all I can say. I can honestly say that other than finding out I was having identical twins this has been one of the biggest surprises for Deke and I. What?!?! We were pregnant?!?! Already, just like that? We looked at each other and both started crying and laughing at the same time. Total shock. Stared again, more laughing and crying and hugging. I took a couple of pictures of the test and we headed out to eat with the kids. I couldn't focus. I would try to eat and then look over at Deke who hadn't stopped smiling and we would laugh again. We were having another baby!!!!!! I again marveled at His greatness. Only he knew the deepest desire of my heart for this child. How desperately I longed to not have to endure anymore loss, how I had always wanted to have my kids closer together. How ready we were to have another baby and how quietly we had always wanted to have a son again. Unspoken things only in the deepest areas kept safe and protected in our hearts, yet He knows. I continue throughout my life to be awed at his awareness of me and of his mercy that he provides me so fully. It was so perfect, it was scary in ways before it felt too perfect. So specific to all the desires of my heart and it in some ways felt too good to be true. How could it just be this wonderful and so much easier than it had been with Emma? As quickly as the excitement set in the overwhelming fear hit like a ton of bricks that night as I laid down to sleep. Would we get to have this baby though or was another loss in store for us. I didn't sleep more than maybe thirty minutes off and on overwhelmed with worry. I warned myself to reserve my excitement and know there was a long way to go and still a lot unknown. In my heart I prayed that I could keep this baby and have her/him like I did Emma. My heart was overwhelmed with desire to get to have this child. The next day Deke brought me home these flowers, he kissed me and told me that he loved me and was so happy to be having a baby and that he felt that everything was going to be okay. I love him so much.
I can't explain how hard my first trimester continued to be with this baby. I will write about it in another post but it was so difficult. This whole pregnancy has been healthy and strong physically but emotionally I have struggled every single day with fear and loss in a way that has at times felt debilitating. It has been just like with Emma but 10 x's worse. Now as I pass my thirty week mark and the arrival of this sweet son is coming closer by the day I am overwhelmed at my gratitude for arms that have held me and protected me and this baby and carried me through some of my emotionally dark moments. I am so grateful to be pregnant. I love this baby boy more than I can begin to express and have worked so hard to protect him, keep him in and keep him safe until he is big and healthy enough to enter this world. I know that he is meant to be here on earth with his family to play with and love his brother and sisters and I know that through Heavenly Father's continued support and protection that he will. Hudson I am so grateful for you and look forward to our meeting in a few short weeks. Never forget buddy the power and greatness of our Heavenly Father and his ability to make anything whole and heal even the most damaged hearts. He can heal anything and take away even the greatest pains when you have no ability to do it yourself. He can work miracles, he is divine and his power is infinite. His mercy is specific to our very deepest desires that aren't even spoken aloud. He blesses us in ways that no one else can and if we will follow him faithfully even through the darkness, the light and joy he will bring into our lives will overwhelm us. He ALWAYS hears you Hudson, ALWAYS. He hears you in a way that no one else can and knows your heart in a way that know one else will. I love him so deeply and thank him for the innumerable blessings in my life. Of which you are one of. I love you baby, love Mommy.
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