Day 2- Ethan and Dylan

90% of the time I do well. I feel happy and full and I feel like I function well. I have peace in knowing where they are and who they are with. I know that my family is eternal and that this is all part of a divine plan. The other 10% can come at any moment. Seeing a set of twins or a helicopter or hearing about someone elses loss. Something so simple can send me into a tailspin and the intensity hits me all at once and I remember that place. I feel the pain sharp and fresh as if it has just happened, the numbness, the emptiness, the heartache. My mind races with images reliving those few days and I struggle to control my thoughts. I remind myself that it does no good to relive it over and over again in my head. It is too painful. I can't believe Deke and I have lost two of our children. Have we really lived through that? Today is their birthday. Today our little guys would be 6 years old I can hardly believe that. It is weird how the last few years I have done so well and today I am struggling. This morning I felt so frusterated that I couldn't just get it together and then I realized that it was time to give myself a break. Today it is okay. Today if I need to be sort of quiet and cry all day, it's okay. If I don't feel like playing or laughing and need to just hug Hunter, Ave and Em over and over again it's okay. I am just hurting so much and love them so much. I wish I could be sitting on the grass under their tree by their gravesite with a warm blanket with Deke holding me. I can't wait to go see them. It is hard not to think about all the fun things they would be doing. They looked so much like Hunter. I look at him and imagine the three of them would have looked more like triplets being only about sixteen months apart. We talk about all the joys of getting to experience having twins, all the things they would have tried to pull on their teachers being identical. I am so happy with my life but it is hard to know that while I am on this earth until I am with them again a part of me is missing. When we are together as a family or just watching the kids play I feel it. I feel the longing for the two of them that can't be here right now. I am thinking about Deke and how he is getting through the day trying to work. I am so grateful to be their mommy. So happy that I am the mom of identical twin boys, such a neat opportunity. But how I miss them, no I ache for them in every part of my being. I love them so much I can not express it adequately. I long to hold them and kiss them and smell their baby soft skin. I know where they are and I do have peace in this. But what has happened has been hard and it hurts and today I can let down and feel what I need to feel. I feel them close with me and I know they are around us often. Happy Birthday Ethan and Dylan, Mommy and Daddy love you so much.