A peace in my soul

Last weekend we finally headed up north. Up to see our boys. It has been since Feb. 2009 almost sixteen months since we last got to visit them. When I got pregnant with Emma I was restricted to no travel over an hour away. Finally we could go and I felt like we could not get there fast enough. Being there in the pine trees and the quiet I can feel them so close. It is beautiful and still and I can reflect. When we got there Deke and Hunter got out and instantly started kneeling down and picking the weeds from around their grave. Then Hunter and Ave so quietly and reverently walked around and gathered weeds, pinecones, and pine needles from off of the surrounding graves. It pricked a very tender part of my heart as I watched my little ones serving their brothers in such a sweet way. Hunter talks about them a lot. Sometimes he cries for them and a part of me feels like my heart is literally breaking at his pain. Tears streamed down his little cheeks as he asked us when his brothers will come back. Tears were fought as we calmly tried to explain to him that we didn't know when we just know that they would. What faith in us and what we are telling him, what faith in Heavenly Father this little six year old has had to have going through this trial with us. Hunter has always been a sensitive kid, he is a very deep thinker and just loves people. I know he misses them deeply at times. It is hard not to be able to take the pain away from him. As I knelt down on the grass holding Emma I felt healing. There are still days that I miss them so much, I feel so incomplete, a part of me is missing and empty. However, today those once achy arms hold a warm snuggly ball of chub. My tears fall on a beautiful head of dark hair. Big blue eyes look up at me questioning what is wrong. Emma has not taken away the pain or filled the void that will always be there until they are in our arms again but she has helped us heal. For the first time in a long time...my soul is at peace. The impression came to me that Ethan and Dylan were feeling so much joy for Deke and I that we had been able to have such a wonderful pregnancy and now had Emma. I felt as if they were sharing in our happiness. I feel like they probably helped her get ready and helped in sending her to earth to be with us. The image of the three of them in heaven together, her big brothers excitedly preparing her to come be with Dad, Mom, Hunter and Avery touches my very core. I can feel their joy. I can feel that they feel happy that Deke and I are doing so well and are patiently applying faith as we wait for them. I know they know the depth of our love for them. We are moving on...not from them but towards them as we continue through the path that is our life. Expanding our family and continuing to add all its little members so that when we are with them again there are no more "empty chairs." Right in this moment as I sit here holding her, next to them... my soul is at peace.