Just Mom, Dad and Hudson

Before Hudson was born I had thought a lot about the possibility that this might be my last pregnancy.  Deke and I have not made the for sure decision yet but this is the first time that we have even discussed it.  We have always wanted five and I still feel like there is one more but we have talked very seriously about adopting the last baby.  Emotionally pregnancy is so scary and stressful for me, my anxiety was bad with Emma and was ten times worse with Hudson's pregnancy.  It seems like I spend every day of the first six months living in fear of losing the baby.  Losing the twins has changed me forever. Pregnancy will never be the same for me.  The fear of losing this baby made it hard some days for me to even function.  I can't even express the level of gratitude I have for my Father in Heaven for blessing us with another baby but this pregnancy was so long for both Deke and I.  I told myself to really soak up this pregnancy just in case.  We took a ton of pictures, I spent more time laying with Deke in bed at night feeling him kick and move.  Let tears fall whenever they needed to when I felt overcome with love for this baby and joy for the creation of life.

I soaked up every second of his birth and tried to make every moment last as long as I could.  I wanted to have only a few visitors at the hospital and really get a chance to just be in the moment with Deke and our baby.  I have always thought it is such a special time when it is just you and your husband in the hospital with your new baby.  It is time without the older siblings and other family members to just get to hold and stare for hours at every little feature.  To grin at every little noise and marvel together at this new little person.  I have never enjoyed my hospital stays as much as this one. Deke and I spent the entire three days holding, snuggling and literally staring at and talking about every little feature of this guy.

He is incredible.  Deke got us cookies from Paradise Bakery and we watched movies at night.  We walked the hospital halls and pushed Hudson in his little bassinett and stopped to just sit and stare at him.  We talked about having all the kids, talked about his pregnancy from the beginning and relived the joys of his entrance to the world.  During the night I would wake up with only the little light over the sink and look over at my husband crumpled up uncomfortably on a chair that must be the most uncomfortable sleeping area known to man and feel overwhelmed with love for him and our journey of being parents together.  Then hear a little grunt next to me and see our new baby stretching his little hands and necks and wondered if I could be any happier.

I kept getting so emotional wondering if this could be the last time I get to experience this.  The thought of it quite honestly made my heart feel like it would break.  I couldn't even think about it because it hurt too much.  How could I ever even think of not having another tiny incredible person in my arms ever again? I realize that you can't keep having babies forever and life has to move to a different phase but I don't know if it is time quite yet.  Becoming very distraught worrying about all this Deke reminded me that I had worked so hard and waited for this moment and that now was not the time to dwell on all this...

It was time to enjoy this moment and only focus on this moment.  So I did and all I can say is the days in the hospital with just Hudson and Deke and I were so special to me I can't even adequately describe it.  I will always be grateful for these days and how we spent them.

 Right now my time is with this beautiful beautiful new son and his three busy older siblings.  I have a brand new baby and he is tiny and wonderful and it is time to go home and watch and love every second of his growth.  Amazing....simply amazing :) :) :)