Feeling like a first time mom

I know I have said it before but with Emma I almost feel like a first time mom again. I realize that my world is and will always be different now. I am very aware of loss and how precious life is and am suddenly an overprotective person that I never remember being. I remember with Hunter not frieking out if he took a spill learning to walk or ate dirt out of the plant. I remember feeding him spaghetti when he had no teeth. All of a sudden I am super paranoid, worried and overly cautious. Not all the time but certainly with things that I never used to worry about. For awhile Emma had been pointing at our food when we would eat at the table or reach for it and smile. "Look Deke it is so cute she is realizing that it is food" I told him one night. A couple of days went by and I was telling Deke that she had been really crabby lately just really fussy. I went to church on Sunday and was in the mother's room nursing her and talking with some of my friends who have babies around her age. They were talking about all the knew foods their babies were eating and what they liked and didn't like. I told them that Em was still nursing every three hours and was also eating rice cereal and had tried sweet potato baby food and applesauce. A couple of the moms were already letting their little ones have food like hot dogs and chicken cut up. I went home and started thinking about it, Emma is nine months old maybe she is needing more. Off to the grocery store I went and picked up some green and yellow squash and some different types of baby foods. I put her in the high chair for the first time and put some of the steamed squash on the tray. She looked at it then looked at me like okay what do I do now. I put some in her mouth and let her taste it. She smiled at me and kicked her legs, she then opened her mouth for more. I took her hand put some squash in it and tried to get it to her mouth. She just stared at me. I went to get busy in the kitchen and every time she would cry either Hunter or Ave would run over and give her a bite. It took me at least three or four days and several conversations with the kids to get Emma to figure out that she could feed herself. It was funny it was a little bit of a princess complex. It is not her fault that she is used to everyone getting her whatever she needs as soon as she barely squawks. I love watching her chubby little cheeks and the way her fist grabs a handful of food. I love the little dimples in the skin where her knuckles are. When she was taking the first bites I didn't buckle her in in case I had to pull her out quickly and perform the infant form of the heimlich manuever. Well of course she ate the squash just fine and didn't choke or anything. What do you know she loved it and ate it like she had been starving. She kept looking up at me smiling as if to say thank you. I felt horrible. What is wrong with me? No wonder she was fussy she was hungry and when she was reaching for our food it wasn't just a gesture she was trying to get it to her mouth. I felt so ridiculous and bad that I hadn't recognized the signs earlier. Later that night I was telling Deke about it and I had gone and checked Hunter and Ave's baby books. I am not going to lie that I straight up felt embarrassed at myself when I looked at a picture of a toothless Hunter eating spaghetti and an eight month old Avery taking on a giant biter biscuit. The good part of this story is that now we are eating food full swing. Her current favorite things are yogurt melts and the puffed rice cereal, steamed squash or squash of any kind and cut up bananas. I love these pictures of her devouring some peach yogurt melts doesn't she look so happy. I love how they pretty much shove their whole first into their mouth when they are learning to feed themselves. Until she runs out of them on her tray and then this happens... I guess the drama truly does start early :) I guess that this is just one of those things that is reminent of what we have been through and even though I think that most of the time I do well coping there are still and will always be scars and sore sports. So Emma be patient with me if I over protect and you feel like I am to cautious with you. It is only because I love you so much and realize how fragile and precious life is and that I have you. Know it is because of a reality that I have lived and appreciate that it has given me the opportunity to love deeper than I ever could have known. Be patient with your mama :)