"I'm in the no!!!"

This year we decided to really take some extra time when we went up for the boys birthday and play in the snow as a family.  Right outside of Sunrise snow resort they had about three and a half feet of snow so we decided to go play up there.  We got a cabin in Pinetop to have some really nice family time.  Deke had bought this cute penguin sled and Hunter had asked and asked about going snowboarding.  We really couldn't this year with the two little ones especially with Hudson so Deke had bought him a snow boogie board.  Similar idea just without bindings.  Hunter was ecstatic.  The tubing hill at Sunrise was extremely crowded so we drove around a little and found our own hill where only one other family was sledding.  We bundled baby up and piled blankets on him then loaded his carseat onto the sled.  Emma hopped right on and Deke pulled them over to the hill.  It was really cute.

Emma had talked about playing in the snow non stop all week.  When we got to the bottom of the hill Deke took her out of the sled and put her down in the snow.  It was really powdery so she sunk down in to almost her knees.  She gasped loudly and then tears started coming down her cheeks. "I'm in the no! I'm in the no!" she cried looking absolutely terrified.  I picked her up as she said, "it's cold, the no is cold."  I guess we really hadn't discussed that snow was cold and guess what, she was not a fan.  For the first two hours she would not leave the sled.  She just sat there and watched us.  We kept trying to get her to play but all she would do was dig with her shovel in the snow.  It was so funny.  Finally I patted an area down for her and put her on the snow to help build a "noman"  as long as she stood on the compacted area and didn't sink down she liked it.  She wouldn't leave her spot though other than just to bend down right around her little area and gather snow for the snowman.

I really wanted her to get an opportunity to sled down the hill so I got my daily dose of exercise and carried her up the hill and went down the hill on the penguin sled with her on my lap.  She loved it!!!! She giggled the whole way down and when we got to the bottom she said, "I love that, I want to go again!" So I would take her three of four times and then she would want more but then my legs would be like jello and I would take a break.  Then up the hill we would go.  She loved the sledding, building a snowman, just did not, would not, try to walk in the snow.

The snow was really powdery which made it awesome to boogie board but not very easy to build a snowman.  We were able to build a little one anyways.....

Hudson was a little angel and sat in his carseat for the vast majority of the day and just grinned at everybody.

We played the day away and had so much fun....

I even got Hudson out at the very end and pulled him around on the sled a little.  He was so cute and snuggly all bundled up.

Avery did almost as much eating of the snow as she did playing with it.  The kids kept telling Emma to try to eat the snow but she kept refusing.  Finally after watching Avery consume it all day long and tell her about how yummy it was she became interested.  "Dad I'm ready" she piped up.  "Ready for what?" Deke asked her. "Ready for a sample" she said and pointed to the snow.  We all were cracking up.  She sometimes has a little bit of a princess complex this one :) :) "Well Emma there is a ton of snow all around you so reach down and grab some and try it" Deke told her.  Emma's eyes lit up as if the idea had never dawned on her.  Then she reached down and grabbed some in her mitten.  She returned to her post on the sled and spent the last hour cheering everyone on and taking snow eating snack breaks.

I wish we could have actually taken Hunter snowboarding because I think he would have really done well.  Next year we will take Hunter and Ave alone and take them to Sunrise for the day so then can learn to snowboard and ski.  However Hunter had a blast all day on his boogie board.  He did awesome and it was really fun to watch him.  Avery just sled all day.  Up and down the hill with the penguin sled or the green disk.  On her rear, on her belly, trying to stand up any way she could think of.

Mom and the little guy.....

We played all day long until everyone loaded up cold and tired and headed back to the cabin for some tortilla soup, showers and games.  Then headed to see GG and Papa and the twins on our way out of town.  We had such a great weekend and made some wonderful memories.

A cozy cabin get away

For the weekend of the boys birthday we headed up north and rented a cabin in Pinetop.  The kids have never been to a cabin and we really wanted them to have that experience.  It was really cute and clean and worked out great.  We went to the grocery store and got all of our supplies on the way up.  I made some tortilla soup in the crockpot and set it to simmer all afternoon while we played in the snow.  It worked out great to have soup all hot and ready for us when we got home that evening.  It had a fridge, microwave and two burner stove.

The kids were amazed that the walls, doors, ceiling and floors were all just wood.  They kept saying how awesome it was.  "We are staying in a cabin!!!" Ave kept telling me and then hugging me before running off to check something else out.

The porch had a big swing on it that the kids really enjoyed.

It was so nice and cozy and homey.  Perfect place to relax and unwind.  Nice and quiet and warm inside against the cold winter weather.

Loved that night seeing all their snow drying by the furnace...

Had fun playing some games.....

Snuggling up with popcorn, snacks and movies....

It was such a special weekend.  I was so grateful for the time to just snuggle and hold my babies and play with them.

"Grief is the natural by-product of love...."

 Ethan and Dylan would have been turning 8 this year.  We would have been enjoying the special opportunity of a double baptism for them.  I have thought about this a lot.  About a month ago I had a dream where I saw people sitting in chairs in a room that looked like a room in a church.  Sitting in the row in front of me was Deke all in white.  On each side of him I could see from the back a brown headed little boy in a white jumpsuit.  One on each side of him sitting close against him. In my dream I knew that it was Ethan and Dylan.    I woke up with actual tears coming down when I opened my eyes.  I tried to shake the image from my head since it was so precious and tender it was unbearable to me.  The sweetness of them so close to Deke all three of them in white preparing for such a special day.  I wanted to have that moment.  I yearn for it in a way that can't be expressed.  This year has been hard.  Every year comes with different emotions, in some ways I continue to see our forward progression.  Yet I feel that particular moments from their birth and passing were so heartbreaking and painful that their sharpness will never dull or change.  After eight years even the slightest bit of recollection of some of these moments and the exact feelings come flooding back as if I was right there again.  I don't think it will ever change. This is a part of our loss that feels so heavy to me.  Those moments of suffering in a way that I literally was sure I would die from sorrow will always be there inside of me.  I won't ever forget them and they will be a part of me forever.  I don't dwell on them, I dwell on my peace that families are eternal and my knowledge that I will be with them again some day.  But they are still there and I still have to work to not think about it.  The other day the kids were talking about going up for their birthday weekend to visit them.  Deke was busy and work and I was hurrying about my evening getting everyone organized to go run an errand.  I was changing Hudson, the girls were sitting playing on the floor across the room and Hunter was holding Hudson's hand and watching him.  Out of nowhere Hunter said, "Mom, why did Ethan and Dylan die?" Feeling instantly the emotions rise words just tumbled out, "they were too tiny bud, babies need to stay in their mom's bellies until they are big enough to come out"  he sat and thought on this for a moment as I wrapped up the diaper.  "Then why did the doctor's take them out if they weren't ready?" Hunter's eyes questioned me.  Again more emotion and words just coming out, "they had to Hunter they didn't have a choice it was an emergency."  Images flashing in my head, coming at me one after another after another causing shooting pains like a heart attack.  Vivid and strong as if I were right there again and I feel lost to them everything fuzzy around me.  I fight to gain control, Hunter is still talking to me.  Focus, hang on....listen to Hunter.  He is staring at me.  Okay what am I supposed to be doing.  Oh ya, put Hudson's feety pj's back on and zip them.  "You're okay MeKell, you're okay" I think to myself.  Hunter smiles at Hudson and then looks at me, "Was it scary mom?"  I'm not okay.  I don't feel okay, I can't breathe.  I say all that I can manage.  "Yes Hunter, it was very scary."  I tell myself to keep it together as I load Hudson into the car planting a kiss on his baby soft cheek, the tears are coming. I tell Hunter to "please help load your sister's into the car" as the three of them head out the door.  I turn into the bathroom and shut the door and fall apart.  Quietly but intensely letting the emotion pour out of me hoping to flush it out and have it leave me.  I let my tears fall, I let my heart feel it.  It feels again like I could die of the pain.  I am right there again in the moment with them.  Then I stop and gain control.  My heart burns with love and my peace returns.  I am okay.  It is going to be okay.  I grab some tissue and clean my face as I replace the pain with warm reassuring thoughts of what I believe and know to be true.  I believe in His plan.  My family is eternal and they are mine.  This is hard but I am blessed and I love them more than anything.  Looking put back together I head out to the car.  I am not trying to put on a face and fake what it happening but I need my emotion to be in a place that is understandable for these four little people all staring at me.  As I start the car I turn back and remind the kids that I know we all miss Ethan and Dylan and that it is okay to cry sometimes and feel sad about them but that then we need to remember that our family is forever.  We talk for a minute about having faith and what Ethan and Dylan want us to do while we are waiting to be with them again.  I am learning, I am trying to teach them faith.  I will not feel guilt about these moments, what has happened to us is hard and it hurts.  I will allow myself these moments.  They come from the depth of my love for these two precious babies.  As I read through Feb. Ensign there was an article called The Refining Fire of Grief.  As I read through I saw this quote from Elder Lance B. Wickman of the seventy: "Grief is a natural by-product of love.  One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death.  The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning."  It is my love for them.  Even after losing them I would still not have ever changed having them because I love them so much.  I love them so much.  There is nothing more powerful and incredible than the way I love my children.  I took this picture above of my kids thinking of Valentine's Day not realizing how appropriate it seems for this now.  They are my heart.  So I will continue to try to learn from this greatest trial of my life.  I will continue to allow it to "refine me" and strengthen me.  I will continue to allow my love to be felt as deep as it can go.  I love you Ethan and Dylan.  Happy birthday little guys....I love you.

He thinks he is a big boy.

 As of lately Hudson doesn't want to be laying down unless he is in mommy or daddy's arms.  He wants to be propped up like he is sitting so that he can look around and better see what everybody else is doing.  His eyes get wide and his head bobbles around as he looks around trying to take it all in.  Pretty soon one of his siblings come cruising by and he starts kicking his legs and moving his arms getting all excited as if he is trying to follow along with them.  I think he wishes he could.  He thinks he is such a big boy and wants to sit up all the time now.  Don't worry little man way too soon you'll be crawling along behind them.  Don't get in a hurry buddy, let's just enjoy being a baby for awhile and snuggling together.

No place I'd rather be.

I'm doing this today and it is HEAVEN.  It's been rainy outside and Emma really wanted to snuggle with me.  So I had her lay down next to me and held Hudson and patted his back until he was asleep.  Then I reached over and patted her back until her eyes started getting heavy.  Within a few minutes both were softly snoring.  All warm in soft blankets and both of them smelling amazing like baby shampoo and lavender lotion.

Watching them sleep and feeling the warmth of Hudson's little body snuggled up against mine.  Staring at Emma's long eyelashes and the tiny new freckles starting to sprinkle over her nose.  Every once in awhile her nose crinkling up as if something is tickling her.  Hudson's eyes fluttering open slightly and then closed again.  Occasionally his little lips start puckering making sucking motions as if there is something there.  His fine baby hair so soft when I rub my cheek on the top of his balding head.  Even though he is getting bigger he still feels so wonderfully small in my arms.  I could lay here like this all day.  There is no where else I'd rather be then snuggled up with two of my beautiful babies taking an afternoon rest.  I really should close my eyes for a minute and catch up on some rest but I can't.  I just want to sit here and watch them sleep.

Zoo with Zeke

 Claudia has an annual zoo pass and invited us to go to the zoo a couple of weeks ago with her and Zeke.  Hunter and Ave were at school so I loaded up Em and Hudson and off we headed.  We went during the short lived Phoenix cold streak and when we arrived at the zoo at 10 o'clock the car read 33*.  Brrrrr for us, especially with little ones.  It was fun though to bundle up the kids in jackets, mittens, and blankets for an outing since I never really get to do that.  I love this picture of the three of them up top.  Emma loves "baby Zeke" and Zeke in turn loves Emma but is lately very interested in Hudson.  I think his little grin down at Hudson is so cute.

 Found a small beanie hat for little mister the night before at WalMart.  He looked so sweet in it.  He slept the entire time we were there other than a quick snack break :)  I think all bundled up in his carseat with blankets he was just nice and cozy.  Plus I took the wagon and he just enjoyed the ride.

 Zeke all bundled up in his stroller in his own comfy ride.....

 I hadn't been to the zoo in so long that they had some new things including a new kids play area that Emma spent some time investigating.

 Some of the animals were pretty sedentary because of the cold weather but there were still some that were venturing around.  Emma was really excited to see the different animals, this was her first time ever going to the Phoenix zoo.

 At the entrance we had picked up a map for her.  She loved it.  She would open it and look at it while she rode in the wagon.  Then when we got to an animal she would open it up and check the map and want me to point out to her where that specific animal was on the map.

 Side note: Never knew the zoo had a saguaro cactus slide but they do.

 I told her that she could either ride a camel or feed a giraffe this time and she wanted to ride the camel which worked out great because the giraffe feeding were too late in the afternoon.  I thought she might be intimidated by the size of it but I think since I rode with her, she was all in.

 She giggled when we rode "Dale" and kept saying "Him is bumpy" I didn't know that camels can carry about 1000 pounds on their backs. yikes.

 She really liked watching the tiger sit and clean his paws as he sat by his water pool.  However I think her favorite was the prairie dogs towards the end.  They were so cute to watch.  They make the cutest little squeaky noises and were having fun chowing down on some lettuce.  When they would start squeaking she would start belly laughing it was so cute.

 This one was our favorite a true Mr. Personality if you will who really liked to stretch out on his tummy like this.  There was another one that kept trying to get a twig off of a branch that was making us laugh too.  They are so chubby and cute they might have been the most entertaining of the day.

We had so much fun.  Thanks Claudia and Zeke for the fun day:)